What The Fuck Is Grubsauce?
by theonewhotalksaboutthedogpark
Summary: What happens when you take the Rainbow Drinker, also known as Kanaya, and make her live with the Crimson Fucker, also known as Alucard? I don't know but it will probably result in multiple people loosing their heads. I really don't have a plan for this story so I'm basically just making shit up as I go. Enjoy
1. Chapter 1

Dear Reader

This is not based on the Hellsing universe, rather the Hellsing Abridged universe. As a side note if you haven't seen Hellsing Abridged yet, you should.

Chapter One- Real Fucking Vampires

Kanaya woke up from her nap and began to glow, as she tends to do in dark areas. She then walked around the dark and dirty basement where she had been sleeping for the past few hours… Wait what? How did she get here? She didn't know and she was just now starting to realize that. There were voices coming from upstairs. She could here two people talking to each other "I love you Edward" one of the voices said "I love you too Bella" the other responded. then there was a knock on the door upstairs. One of the muffled voices asked, "Who is it?"

"Oh you know…." There was a flurry of gunfire that lasted for a few seconds. "A real fucking vampire!"

What in the actual hell was going on here? Kanaya contemplated about what she should do. She didn't want to go upstairs where a murderous maniac might be, but then again there couldn't be any real harm seeing as the mysterious man was killing only fake vampires. Besides Kanaya had plenty of experience dealing with murderous lunatics, so she decided to take a risk and go upstairs. When she got up there she could only find a body riddled with bullets, and she heard voices coming from the roof now. She didn't see a problem in climbing up onto the roof, but she couldn't for the life of her figure out what they were doing up there.

"Hey police girl she's getting away"

"Just give me a second to line up the shot"

"She running"

"I know I'm lining up the-"

"Your going to miss it, hey, hey police girl police-" An echoing shot rang through the area.

"There! I took the fucking shot! She's dead and there is blood everywhere!" Kanaya had made it up to the roof and was now standing behind these two unidentified people.

"Um… I Beg Your Pardon But Could You Two Tell Me Where This Is?" Alucard and Seras stood there, staring at Kanaya in an awkward silence.

"Welp, glowing demon bitches is where I draw the line. You can take care of this right police girl?"

"Um…"

"Great! You two have fun." Alucard then exploded into a thousand bats and flew off into the night. Seras stared at Kanaya not sure what Alucard meant when he asked her to take care of it.

"Um…"

"I Think I May Have Somehow Switched Cannons."

"Oh, well I guess that makes sense." Again, an awkward silence.

"So, My Name Is Kanaya Maryam, What's Yours?"

"Seras Victoria, nice to meet you."

"Nice To Meet You As Well."

"So… What do we do now?"

"I Suppose We Just Let This Experiment In Universe Swapping Writing Play Out."

"How long will that take?"

"4, Maybe 5 Chapters. There Can't Be That Much Sustenance Here."

"Ok, in the mean time you want to stay at my place? It's a mansion."

"That Sounds Lovely."

Hours later they arrived at the Hellsing mansion. Upon entering Walter greeted them at the door.

"Hello miss Seras how did the mission g-" Walter caught a glimpse of Kanaya, then turned around and walked away. "Fucking fanfiction writers." He muttered to himself. Not long after that Alucard walked through the wall and into the room.

"Police girl you're back! Good now you can help me find some goats, there's a car I want to paint." Alucard noticed Kanaya standing behind Seras. "What exactly do you think I meant when I asked you if you could take care of the situation?"

"But master she-"

"Don't you 'but master' me, young lady. You decapitate that glowing demon bitch right now."

"My Name Is Kanaya." Kanaya said straitening her stance upright and clenching her fists.

"Excuse me?" Kanaya began to walk towards Alucard.

"I Said My Name Is Kanaya Maryam, And It Would Do You Well To Remember That."

"Are you fronting me right now? That's cute, how old are you, 13 14?

"Actually I'm 7 Sweeps Of Age."

"Meh, close enough, but regardless, you don't want any of this, trust me.

"I'll Be The Judge Of That." Kanaya said pulling out her lipstick.

"And what, pray tell, do you plan on doing with that?"

"Oh You Know," She then revved up her chainsaw. "Probably Sawing You Down The Fucking Middle!" At that moment Integra ran into the room.

"Alucard! What did I tell you about your late night chainsaw parties!?" Integra stopped, taken back by Kanaya's appeance.

"She needs a place to stay." Seras said noticing the confusion on Integra's face. She looked at Kanaya then at Seras then turned away and walked off.

"She's sleeping in your room Alucard." She said as she walked off.

"But she's the police girls friend!"

"No buts young man, now show her to your room."

"Ugh, fine. Looks like we'll have to continue this discussion later. Props for turning your lipstick into a chainsaw by the way."

"What Chainsaw?" Kanaya asked as she put her lipstick back into her Sylladex. Alucard smiled.

"You know something, I misjudged you. You are now my new favorite person, but I'm still going to call you demon bitch. It's nothing personal I just hate using names."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 Familiar Faces

Dear Reader

I apologies for the long time it took me to write this chapter, but I finally found my bearings. Also its probably going to be a longer story than I originally anticipated. Enjoy.

Kanaya rolled out of bed the next morning, "You Guy's Wouldn't Believe The Dream I Had Last Night." She said while stretching, "There Were Vampires, Well I Mean Vampires Other Than Myself, And One Of Them Was A Real Asshole." Alucard then walked into the room.

"Hey that's not fair, I'm a bastard. Yes there is a difference." Kanaya looked perturbed. But before she could say anything Integra called for everyone from upstairs. Once they all gathered in the conference room Integra began to give the assignment details.

"So you will all be going to Ireland."

"I never killed a leprechaun before, do you think if I shoot one with my gun it explode into Lucky Charms?" Alucard asked.

"I Don't Mean To Interrupt, But I Have Absolutely No Idea What You Guys Do." Kanaya said hand raised.

"We, the Hellsing organization, hunt down those who believe themselves to be of a mystical persuasion." Integra answered. Kanaya raised her eyebrow.

"So…. Vampires?"

"…. Yes."

"So What You're Saying Is. We, The Vampires, Hunt Down Vampires?"

"Well yeah, but they're evil vampires." Kanaya stared at Alucard.

"Your point is taken but at the same time hurtful." Alucard replied.

"Just get to fucking Ireland." Integra said, rubbing her forehead agitatedly.

And so, our hero's went to fucking Ireland. Once there they went strait to work on the vampire problem. Kanaya and Seras stood watch outside, while Alucard did his usual thing of shooting everything in site.

"Hey police girl, and demon bitch get in here there's like a thousand Ghouls. Just one shot and there heads explode. Its like house of the dead in here except a million times better." Seras and Kanaya burst through the door.

"Fine, we'll kill some of the rotten bastards."

"It Can't Be That Much Fun." They killed their first Ghouls simultaneously.

"Oh hell…"

"…The Fuck…"

"…Yes!" They then went on the most blood soaked killing spree of all time. Kanaya zipped up and down the hallways lobbing off as many limbs as she could. Eventually Seras ran out of ammo so she resorted to tearing them apart by hand. Alucard walked in after all the bodies hit the floor.

"Sweet black fucking Sabbath, if I wasn't holding out for that beast of a woman Integra I'd fuck the red out of those eyes." He said to Seras.

"Alucard You're A Disgusting Pig." Seras was suddenly stabbed in the back with 10 bayonets, which made her eyes turn back to blue. "Huh, I Didn't Think You Were Being Metaphorical."

"I wasn't. Also on that note it reeks of hypocrisy in here." They both turn to see Anderson enter to room. "Oh if it isn't the Catholic Church, and what's this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch, progress."

"Ah and what do we have here, a bloody heathen!"

"Excuse me, but I'm a fuck mothering vampire. I killed a lot of people to get this title and I expect to be called such." Kanaya rolled her eyes.

"Jegus Why Don't You Two Just Fuck Already?" Muffled laughing echoed through out the halls.

"that's funny, I WAS ABOUT TO SAY THE SAME MOTHER FUCKING THING!" Kanaya shivered as she heard that familiar voice.

"Not Here, He Can't Be Here," she said as she turned around slowly. Gamzee emerged from the shadows, dangling his clubs limply at his sides.

"hi kanaya." Gamzee said with a his grimacing smile.

"Friend of yours?" Alucard asked Kanaya.

"Not Even Close." She said as she dashed at Gamzee, who ran into another room. Alucard turned to Anderson.

"Just for clarity he came here with you right?"

"Yeah, I really didn't have a choice in the matter. Also between you and me, the guy is a bit of a sociopath." Seras was still bleeding on the floor, and trying to crawl to her feet.

"Yeah hold on a sec." Alucard said to Seras. Then he turned back to Anderson. "I hope you don't mind but it seems our conflict will have to happen off narrative, and cut away."

You notice that the writing style has switched to a first person present tense narrative. Also you are now Kanaya. Therefor, you don't really care about the writing style, because you are too busy trying to decapitate Gamzee. You finally catch up to him and swing your chainsaw down at him, he blocks with his clubs. Sparks begin to fly as your weapons press hard against each other. What the hell, you didn't know those things were metal! "What The Hell Are You Doing Here?" You ask.

"i was about to ask you the same mother fucking thing. although it doesn't really matter. BECAUSE NOW I'M GOING TO MOTHER FUCKING SPLATTER YOUR BRAINS ACROSS THESE MOTHER FUCKING HALLS." Gamzee then breaks free from the power lock and follows up with a swipe at your head. You narrowly dodge the attack and perfectly follow up with your own. This results in another power lock.

"You Killed Nepeta And Equius!"

"hehehahahahehee, yeah."

"Is That All You Have To Say!" Gamzee paused for a moment.

"now that you mention it no, I WISH I COULD HAVE KILLED ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!" This enrages you, and you start to attack him more viciously than ever. Your battle continues though out the building. You don't know how Gamzee got here, or how you got here for that matter. Of all the people to be trapped in an alternate dimension with, why did it have to be him? It's now when you start to realize that it doesn't matter. Don't you see? This is the opportunity you've been waiting for. He has nowhere to run to anymore. Tonight is the night that you are going to fucking kill Gamzee Makara.


End file.
